Fraternities in Shambles

Due to the recent COVID-19 pandemic, liquor stores around Los Angeles are seeing some of the worst outcomes. Trojan Liquor, a very reputable liquor store found near USC’s campus, was hit particularly hard with revenues plummeting to dangerous levels. With a lack of desperate underclassmen and frat boys to keep the business afloat, they may have to shut their doors for good. But money isn’t the only thing Trojan Liquor is missing. According to its owner, it's the sense of community that he misses most: “It’s the little things like pretending to analyze a fake, seeing our loyal customers not being able to identify any bottle size other than a handle, and choosing to ignore the obvious use of a black backpack to conceal the alcohol. When you're in the moment, it’s easy to take these special moments for granted.”

USC students are feeling the effects of the recent Stay-at-Home orders as well. Chad, a member of Kappa Apple Pie, expressed a very heartfelt statement after hearing the news about Trojan Liquor’s potential closing: “Damn that sucks”. The effects are especially detrimental to underclassmen, who often rely on Trojan Liquor’s kindness for their alcohol needs. When asked how life at USC would change if Trojan Liquor closed Claire, an incoming sophomore, explained that “I’d literally transfer this makes no sense. If I can't get my White Claws next semester I’m literally going to start putting this stupid hand sanitizer in my La Croix.”

RUMORS LEAK OF NEW UNCOVERED SCANDALS 

Multiple witnesses have reported ominous clouds swirling over the Office of the Provost despite an otherwise clear day. “I just want a week without questioning my life choices about committing to USC. Is that too much to ask?” newly admitted freshman Mirza shouted to the sky upon observing the traumatizing phenomenon.